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| Final. |
| 03.01.05 (1:41 pm) [edit] |
For fucks sake..
Beka.
Read this.
STOP WITH THE FUCKING STUPID ATTEMPTIVE GUILT-TRIPPING ME THROUGH TEXT.
Is that clear enough for you? I hope so..
You really don't understand do you?
I apologise that I gave you the wrong impression in Costa. I know that I was wrong there, but on that day I did not lie to you.
The text. Well.. For a start, you can fuck off if you are going to try and blame you're 'suicidal tendencies' on me, AND the fact that you are moving to Lancaster..
I always thought that you would love to go back to Lancaster.. Ah well, not like it matters any more..
I have decided that this post is going to be my final words to you. It is then your choice if you want to be friends with me or not. Either way, I do not mind.
For months, you have lied to me. I know the truth now. About Sam. And how you got emotionally attached to him.. Shall we have some quotes here from your secret blog? No, I'm not nasty enough to do that.
Let me think back how many months.. When was it at the Rugby Club when I walked round the back, to see you hugging Sam? Well.. I've known ever since then. But I have been too afraid to ever say anything to you about it, as I know that, even if you KNOW you are wrong, you would STILL turn the blame onto me, then go offline for ages when I get slightly annoyed with you.
Do you know how annoying it is? Knowing that your girlfriend, who you love very much, is off after other guys?
I know you would have happily finished me for him.
Sam, I respect you so much, and I am so sorry I ever doubted you. Beka, fuck you for making me HATE such a good friend.
You think that you have such a hard life. And you never seem to care that I also had my own problems to care about. Just like other people (no names mentioned) realised, all you would do is sit there, and pretend to listen.. Then, as soon as the other person finished talking, you would go straight onto some shit about you.
You say that I never talked to you. I can think of so many nights I used to lie on that bed on your floor, talking to you about things going on in my life.. About my parents.. About my dads girlfriend.. About the nightmares, and the haunting when I was young.. About everything. And you proved to me that you never listened to that, because all you could ever rant at me about was how I would never talk to you.
Wake up, Beka.. Wake up..
After everything I ever tried to do for you, you repay me with this. You repay me with Lies for so many months. Every 'I love you' from my mouth were words from my heart.. Obviously, any sentence containing the word love spoken to me from you, came from nowhere near your heart.
You know very well that the only reason you hung onto me instead of finishing with me on those many oppertunities you had was because you couldn't face the insecurity of not having a boyfriend. So you decided to drag me along for the ride, and throw in the odd nice gesture towards me. Like a kiss. Or something like that.
I have known for so long, yet never wanted to say anything to you, because I THOUGHT you loved me as much as I loved you.. But love is based on trust, Beka.. And you obviously are so 'messed-up' in that head of yours that you were so insecure and didn't ever trust me at all.. Which I have no problem with, IF ONLY you had told me. Therefore, you quite obviously could not have loved me.
If you truly loved me, like you said, and say, that you do, then why would you decide that you are also in love with some other guy? And HOW could you go fuck this utter wanker whom you KNOW will end up hurting you (not that I really care)? How does that work?
You found Niall.. You know damn well that you have loved him for nearly two years now. Laura reminded me today of how you refused to talk to her for a month at one point because she went with him. You knew damn well from day one that you would end up cheating on me with him, and you knew damn well that it would hurt me. Well, i'm over that pain now. And I mock. Oh do I mock.
So tell me this. And don't use that patheticly childish excuse 'its one of those stupid little things about me' because really, do you think anyone is going to accept that?
Why is it Perfectly fucking fine for you to find someone else, AGREE to have sex with them while sat next to your boyfriend, then pretend it never happened, and even say that we should 'make up for the time we've had being so distant' THE SAME NIGHT that you KNOW you had sex with him on? Don't forget, you were with me at the time..
Yet, while that is perfectly fine and acceptable for you, its a terrible sin for me to find somebody new, who I can be happy with, rather than sit back and tag along and wait to be picking up the pieces again? You cannot deny that I wasn't going to tell you that.
It was a completely unexpected happening. That evening, I tried ringing AND texting you, as well as the next day, to see if I could meet up with you to tell you what had happened, and what was going to happen.
Justify that.
Oh dear. It turns out that you overheard a conversation in the pub. Well, maybe if you cared to reply to me, then it wouldn't have been like that.
And please, don't tell me that 'you were going to tell me about Niall' because I know its lies.. The only reason you told me when you did was because you KNEW that I knew what was going on. You knew what Lisa had told me. You knew that I knew that both fubar, and daemon were both you. Thats the only reason.
Stop the texting. Stop the calling. Stop the messaging through people. Don't try and contact me, because I don't want to hear from you. I have made up my mind.
I loved you, you said you loved me, I believed it, you messed up, took your chance, and shit on it.
Well, that chance has gone. And it is never coming back.
Nothing will bring it back.
No more un-necessary apologies from me, Beka, because I have said more than enough of those in our time together, and you know that damn well.
Now, I know that you are going to deny so much of this.. But i'm expecting that.. Too far up your own arse to realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel, yet you are so far from it.
So I move on. Not to another place, but move on in this time. I have found someone new. Someone who makes me so happy, the light of a summers day could not make the smile bigger.
As for you. Yes, it was like that at first. But I could read you like a book, Beka. So goddamn predictable.
Grow up. Wake up. And Get up.
Take some form of action to sort your life out, rather than fucking around at Nialls all the time, wallowing in self pity and the attention that you get from it which you love all too much.
I tried to help, but obviously did fuckall..
So I shall leave you at this point. I came, I tried, I failed, and I left.
You love me? Cut the crap.
Oh, and one last thing. Rachel is most certainly NOT a wannabe. The only wannabe I know is you. Think about it. One clue. Fitting into stereotypes.
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